I faked an abortion last night.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
