the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
