when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
