This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
