anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
