this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
