i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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