I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
