How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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