Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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