did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
