Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
