since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
