wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
