i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
