I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
