how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
