I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
