So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I could fuck to npr.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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