I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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