4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
You just made me feel so damn special
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
third nipple confirmed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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