your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
