Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
