i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
