i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
