When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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