Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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