You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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