Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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