if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
