Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
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