I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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