You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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