Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
