its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
