You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
