I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
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