I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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