I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
