I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
