cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
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