Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
