i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
