just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
