she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
