I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
