I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
