I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
