this beer tastes like vomit already
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
