No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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