just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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