I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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