I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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