every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
